Fatherhood

Today has been tough. 

At work Kari informed me that her parents wanted to take us out to dinner and then head out to go crib shopping. I know you're all thinking "Man, he really hates his in-laws", but that is far from reality and not even close to why I struggled today. For some reason as I drove around on my hilo it hit me for maybe the first time that I was for sure going to be a father. Getting a thought stuck in your head at my job is roughly the worst thing that could happen to you. The work is mindless and very repetitive. So there I was for several hours just thinking about fatherhood. Here are two of the conclusions I came to while mulling it over.

1.I'm terrified

I want to be a good Dad. I want to love my child/children well. I'm realizing however that my own Dad had these same thoughts as I was growing up and I treated him like dirt. I don't want to be treated like dirt. But looking back on my childhood I don't see how my Dad could have done things differently. The uncertainty I feel right now is frightening. I cannot begin to stress how much I love this kid before its born and I'm terrified 
it will hate me. I KNOW it won't but what if it does?

What if my child hates how I laugh or the way I smile? What if they like Michigan State or worse yet Ohio State? What if I give them bad advice and their friends hate them because my kid listened to me? What if I put my kid in a school where they pick up the wrong friends and they get arrested and go to jail? How do you recover from that? How do you look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you did your best?

2. It can't be a girl

I've joked around with people about wanting to have a boy. I've made comments about being manly and how manly men have boys before girls. I've made excuses about how an older brother would be good for a sister to have. The truth is that I don't think my heart can take the pain a daughter would bring. I dream about prom dates, jerk boys, and mean friends and want to cry. I can't help it. I think about Kari's Young Life girls high school experiences and wonder how I'll ever make it through those hardships. I had sleepless nights thinking about how Morgan, Kasey, Paige and Maggie were doing with boys/school/life/parents. How on Earth am I going to bear the weight of my own daughter experiencing these same things? It HAS to be a boy because I won't be able to take seeing her cry. And I'll die inside every time I say something that makes her feel self-conscious or hurt. I would lay down in traffic to see my daughter smile. I won't make it. I just won't.



Like I said. It's been a tough day. I think I'll be spending my time the next few months remembering the words to this song:

I hear the Savior say,
"Thy strength indeed is small.
Child of weakness watch and pray.
Find in my thine all in all."

Jesus paid it all
All to him I owe
Sin had left a crimson stain
He washed it white as snow

Lord now indeed I find
Thy power and thine alone
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

For nothing good have I
Whereby thy grace to claim.
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calvary’s Lamb. 

And when before the throne
I stand in him complete,
“Jesus died my soul to save”
My lips shall still repeat. 

Oh praise the one who paid my debt 
and raised this life up from the dead 




It better be a boy.