I've been sitting in front of a blank page for a while now. Trying to figure out how to say the things that are making it difficult to sleep at night. I've decided I just need to get them out - and once they're out I'll figure out how to organize them and maybe make more sense of them after that point. No editing, no going back - just my thoughts.
So here we go:
-The mystery of God has been an all consuming thought to me lately. I've been reading Ezekiel and seeing how God is so far separated from us and yet so personal. It's not something I understand. It's not something I feel like I express well, but its something that I love. I've been thinking that I'm glad I don't understand everything about God. If I knew everything, I'd get bored of him. If I could comprehend his actions, thoughts, being, I would find myself to be equal or better than him, and in that find utter failure and pain. I'm too arrogant and proud to view a finite God and find peace in that.
-I haven't been sleeping, and I feel like its because my soul isn't at ease. Call it anxiety, call it God speaking through my physical being, call it whatever you want - I can't sleep and I think its related to God. I've been sitting around thinking about Young Life and Church and seeing that my passion is not enough to change students. It's not enough to convince people that God is good, he loves them, and he wants to be in relationship with them. I keep thinking that if I could remove my heart from my chest and just show people whats going on it would make more sense than any words I type or sunday school classes I teach or Young Life talks I give. But I can't make you love God! I can't make ME love God. God give me peace with that!
-I want to be Don Miller. I read his books and I literally find myself yearning to produce words and thoughts that are as transforming as his. I've been particularly stuck on a part of Searching for God Knows What where he says "All this makes me wonder what God must have felt, arriving on the scene just after the Fall, knowing all He had made was ruined, and understanding at once the sacrifice that would be required to win the hearts of His children from the grasp of their seducer. I see Him in my mind walking the paths, calling to the couple, meeting their eyes for the first time, and Adam and Eve shaking in absolute terror, wondering what had happened, confused at the broken promise of a snake, feeling at once the trustworthiness of their first love and wondering if God would ever love them again, feeling the hot breath of His anger and emotion, hearing Him speak for the first time, not as a friend, but as One who had been betrayed. "Who told you that you were naked?"'
That KILLS me. I literally cry every time I read it. I can't stop the tears. I see God experiencing this human moment of betrayal and sadness and it hurts me so much. And after I'm done reducing my tissue boxes significantly I realize that I do the SAME CRAP every day. I recreate that moment for God on a daily basis. He groans at my self serving, self righteous actions. So now I've gone from thinking Don's a great writer to understanding that Don has caused this intense pain in my walk with God that stirs within me every time I read his works.
-A student from Eastern died Saturday, his name was/is Nate Hurwitz. I've been reading facebook posts for the last couple hours about how people will miss him at school, how he was an inspiration, and how he constantly smiled regardless of his physical limitations. We told Young Life kids today that if anyone wanted to talk about the loss to pull us aside and let us know what was going on with them. I've got a pit in my stomach about it. I'm afraid that no one will take us up on the offer. Not because they don't care, but because they don't know how to care.
Grieving isn't something Christian's do well, and it's not something high school students do well either. As a culture we tell people to remember our fallen heroes, but it's done for 10 minutes on TV and most people check their text messages when its going on. In terms of our ability to grieve and heal(both ourselves and others) we often just ignore the problem and create busy work/space to keep our minds off it. Over time we forget, but we don't handle that grief how we should. We don't lay it before God and ask him to heal the parts of our heart that won't heal without him. I have a history of losing my friends, and most of them I haven't actually dealt with, I've just forgotten. The problem with forgetting is that you can't look at positive moments and view them as positive. You take all of your experiences with the person and view them as harmful because you can't see past the first stage of loss.
-High school boys are stupid. Girl's shouldn't date them. Ego.
-High School girls are stupid. Boys shouldn't date them. Leggings.
-I pray that God takes these words and makes them something more. I don't know if I truly understand what I want when I say that, but I do want something more. I want something to be different/better/easier/more full of peace tomorrow because of this and the things I do in response to my words. I'm back to feeling like I need to do a massive stretch but all the time. Like everything in me wants to get out.
Hopefully I can stretch tomorrow, and tonight I can head to bed.
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