The Pursuit of "Success"

Last year I took a job as a Youth Pastor/Young Life Church Partner. I took this job because for as long as I can remember I've loved people. I've loved being around anyone that was interested in being alive. So I took this job working with a section of our population that many in our society ignore, use, manipulate, and abuse. I believe that spending time with them will allow some of the love that Christ has given me to spread to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm a great example of who Christ is or who he wanted me to be. Other days I find myself struggling to wake up in the morning because there is simply too much stuff weighing me down. Their problems, my problems, family, relationship, financial, spiritual, and church problems. Regardless of these days I've been blessed to be paid to minister to people. To spend my time interacting in community with God's people. There is an overwhelming sense of gratitude in my soul about the opportunity I've been given.

In the midst of this gratitude, I find myself wondering what it means to be successful at my job. Ministry is different than most fields in terms of success. If I were an accountant I could express the amount of accounts I'd audited, created, closed, etc. As a doctor you can tell someone how many people you examined, how many diseases you diagnosed, or lives you saved. With a youth ministry however the same doesn't always apply. I could tell you 30 or 3 kids came to our last event, but that doesn't necessarily mean the event with 30 kids was more successful than one with 3. I think this is because "success" in youth ministry is less visible, and at times, invisible. It's less visible in that it is difficult to quantify to someone that doesn't know what I do how I'm doing. It can be invisible when there are days, weeks, months, or even years where I won't see any change/growth/fruit.

So, if someone asked me if I was a successful Youth Pastor, what would I say?

Honestly? Maybe. I hope so. I believe so.

That sounds odd to me when I re-read it, but I think its the truth. I plan a ministry, programming, events, contact work, everything, with the belief that God will take my actions and turn them into something that honors him. I believe success in Youth Ministry is not expressed in numbers, calendars, thumbs up, or youth group kids crying during worship time. These things are most certainly a part of a successful ministry, but you can have one or all of the things I've just mentioned and not be successful. 

Every morning when I wake up, on the good days or the bad days, success to me is doing everything I possibly can to further the kingdom of God. Sometimes that's planning a fundraiser, other times it is hanging out at a football game with kids building relationships, and still other times it is sitting by myself being alone with the God who created me. 

Success is what pleases God, not what pleases me or others. 

Success is being willing to look stupid so that Christ is glorified.

Success is loving despite that love not being returned.

Success is giving everything I have every day in the hopes that one individual is pointed to Christ.

I pray that when I sit in front of my maker at the gates to Heaven he looks at me and says that I was successful with the things he appointed me to do. 

Is there anything else that even matter?

Just get it out

I've been sitting in front of a blank page for a while now. Trying to figure out how to say the things that are making it difficult to sleep at night. I've decided I just need to get them out - and once they're out I'll figure out how to organize them and maybe make more sense of them after that point. No editing, no going back - just my thoughts.

So here we go:

-The mystery of God has been an all consuming thought to me lately. I've been reading Ezekiel and seeing how God is so far separated from us and yet so personal. It's not something I understand. It's not something I feel like I express well, but its something that I love. I've been thinking that I'm glad I don't understand everything about God. If I knew everything, I'd get bored of him. If I could comprehend his actions, thoughts, being, I would find myself to be equal or better than him, and in that find utter failure and pain. I'm too arrogant and proud to view a finite God and find peace in that.

-I haven't been sleeping, and I feel like its because my soul isn't at ease. Call it anxiety, call it God speaking through my physical being, call it whatever you want - I can't sleep and I think its related to God. I've been sitting around thinking about Young Life and Church and seeing that my passion is not enough to change students. It's not enough to convince people that God is good, he loves them, and he wants to be in relationship with them. I keep thinking that if I could remove my heart from my chest and just show people whats going on it would make more sense than any words I type or sunday school classes I teach or Young Life talks I give. But I can't make you love God! I can't make ME love God. God give me peace with that! 

-I want to be Don Miller. I read his books and I literally find myself yearning to produce words and thoughts that are as transforming as his. I've been particularly stuck on a part of Searching for God Knows What where he says "All this makes me wonder what God must have felt, arriving on the scene just after the Fall, knowing all He had made was ruined, and understanding at once the sacrifice that would be required to win the hearts of His children from the grasp of their seducer. I see Him in my mind walking the paths, calling to the couple, meeting their eyes for the first time, and Adam and Eve shaking in absolute terror, wondering what had happened, confused at the broken promise of a snake, feeling at once the trustworthiness of their first love and wondering if God would ever love them again, feeling the hot breath of His anger and emotion, hearing Him speak for the first time, not as a friend, but as One who had been betrayed. "Who told you that you were naked?"'

That KILLS me. I literally cry every time I read it. I can't stop the tears. I see God experiencing this human moment of betrayal and sadness and it hurts me so much. And after I'm done reducing my tissue boxes significantly I realize that I do the SAME CRAP every day. I recreate that moment for God on a daily basis. He groans at my self serving, self righteous actions. So now I've gone from thinking Don's a great writer to understanding that Don has caused this intense pain in my walk with God that stirs within me every time I read his works.

-A student from Eastern died Saturday, his name was/is Nate Hurwitz. I've been reading facebook posts for the last couple hours about how people will miss him at school, how he was an inspiration, and how he constantly smiled regardless of his physical limitations. We told Young Life kids today that if anyone wanted to talk about the loss to pull us aside and let us know what was going on with them. I've got a pit in my stomach about it. I'm afraid that no one will take us up on the offer. Not because they don't care, but because they don't know how to care. 

Grieving isn't something Christian's do well, and it's not something high school students do well either. As a culture we tell people to remember our fallen heroes, but it's done for 10 minutes on TV and most people check their text messages when its going on. In terms of our ability to grieve and heal(both ourselves and others) we often just ignore the problem and create busy work/space to keep our minds off it.  Over time we forget, but we don't handle that grief how we should. We don't lay it before God and ask him to heal the parts of our heart that won't heal without him. I have a history of losing my friends, and most of them I haven't actually dealt with, I've just forgotten. The problem with forgetting is that you can't look at positive moments and view them as positive. You take all of your experiences with the person and view them as harmful because you can't see past the first stage of loss. 

-High school boys are stupid. Girl's shouldn't date them. Ego.

-High School girls are stupid. Boys shouldn't date them. Leggings.

-I pray that God takes these words and makes them something more. I don't know if I truly understand what I want when I say that, but I do want something more. I want something to be different/better/easier/more full of peace tomorrow because of this and the things I do in response to my words. I'm back to feeling like I need to do a massive stretch but all the time. Like everything in me wants to get out. 

Hopefully I can stretch tomorrow, and tonight I can head to bed. 

The Kingdom of Heaven

The Kingdom of Heaven is for...

The hypocrites.

The drug dealers.

The sex aholics.

The used.

The murderer.

The users.

The lost.

The degenerates. 

The pornographer.

The abuser.

The abused.

The abortion bound.

The alcoholic.

The 1 and the 99%

The popular.

The cutter.

The all star.

The no stars.

I've become so frustrated with the idea that to be a Christian is to be perfect. That when you accept Jesus you suddenly become a person who follows all the commands of God without stumbling. The only perfect person to walk this earth has come, gone, and has not yet returned. I am, or have been, many of the things on the list above, but it should not and will not disqualify me or anyone else from the Kingdom of Heaven. To make fun of someone for "failing" in their Christian walk is like telling a baby to not poop itself, and then when it does to spank it. The baby has to learn and develop a habit of not soiling itself. In the same way, we must learn to grow in our faith with the hope that we sin less - knowing that we cannot stop our hearts completely from turning from God. 

I feel physical pain thinking there are people in the world who believe that their choices in life have disqualified them from experiencing the bliss that will be/is Heaven. I feel even worse when I realize that the Church is often the one telling people they are disqualified. 

I am a hypocrite. I say with my mouth that I love God and want to follow his commands, and then moments later I turn my back on him and seek the desires of my heart. I'm not proud of being a hypocrite, but it is a reality of my walk with Christ, and if we're honest with ourselves, its a reality in every Christian's walk. Don't glory in your sin, but don't allow sin to remove the joy you experience from being in relationship with Christ.

Should you go out and party after Youth Group? Probably not.

Should you have sex outside of marriage? No.

Should you do drugs with your friends? Nope.

Will you be excluded from the Kingdom of God because you've done those things? Not. A. Chance. 

You are loved by a God who gave the ultimate sacrifice to inherit the most unfaithful people. 

May you revel in that love today, and may it affect how you live.

Literally... I ramble.

Not being able to think clearly seems to be a common theme for me.


It might be caused by ADHD or a time I was dropped on my head as a child but ideas swirl around in my head and I can't seem to clear them all. When I desire more than anything to stay in the moment I end up thinking about disc golf, video games, or sex. 


Today I began the day determined to plan a youth event for 2 weeks from now. Instead, I read 4 or 5 blogs, listened to some new music, threw around a tennis ball, rearranged my office, and made a youtube video. Why am I cursed? 


The original design for this site wasn't even to write about what I'm writing about now, but to make a Youth Group blog to post things for parents. And now, here I am, writing about how I can't stay focused. 


Awesome.


Instead of addressing this problem, I'm going to write about one of the blogs I read today. That sounds productive. 


Mt. St. Helens


I've always been a fan of Donald Miller. In fact, since I heard about him several years ago I can't seem to read his books/blogs/articles enough. Today, he took an excerpt from Searching for God Knows What and posted it to his blog. Which you should read here.


His blog shared a moment from his book that talks about Mt. Saint Helens and its destruction. In one of the most captivating and beautiful pieces of writing I have ever experienced Don takes people through the process of viewing the destruction caused by its destruction. The destruction of Mt St Helens left behind miles of barren wilderness that animals and trees alike refused to repopulate. As Don describes it "And then I hit the spot on the road where the trees stopped, and the landscape went dead, like the landscape after Hiroshima, as though the place had been bombed. There was no life, not a plant, not a tree, just gray ash flowing across the hills for thirty miles toward the crater." 


I read those words and it seems so foreign to me. Everything I see in the world appears to be growing, appears to be developing, appears to be healthy, or at the very least I want it to be. The reality of brokenness and destruction in the world is something I don't like thinking about. It's something I avoid at all costs. Partially because it hurts to think about other peoples brokenness, but mostly because it points me towards my own brokenness. More than anything, I'm terrified of this:


"All this makes me wonder what God must have felt, arriving on the scene just after the Fall, knowing all He had made was ruined, and understanding at once the sacrifice that would be required to win the hearts of His children from the grasp of their seducer. I see Him in my mind walking the paths, calling to the couple, meeting their eyes for the first time, and Adam and Eve shaking in absolute terror, wondering what had happened, confused at the broken promise of a snake, feeling at once the trustworthiness of their first love and wondering if God would ever love them again, feeling the hot breath of His anger and emotion, hearing Him speak for the first time, not as a friend, but as One who had been betrayed. “Who told you that you were naked?”'


Oh how much that hurts! How hard it is to realize that I have broken the trust of the one who made my being. The one who loved and devoted himself to me. More than that, I continue to do so. 


"Prone to wander lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love". 




The destruction of Mt.St Helens was devastating. One of the worst natural disasters in America's brief history. And yet, it pales in comparison to the destruction our sin causes to the heart of God. I can't even begin to understand that. My intellect is too limited, my being too selfish to understand that idea completely. 


But it hurts. So so much.