I'm not who you want me to be... Yet.

Every month I submit an article to our church newsletter, Oakleaves. I've decided to start posting them here. They don't really have titles, but I make up titles for them in my head.

This one is called "I'm not who you want me to be... Yet."

Most of the time I find myself thinking about life in a very selfish way. The things that I want, that I need, that I deserve. Culturally that doesn't rock the boat because everywhere we look we're told to watch out for ourselves. This is so much the norm that when we see random acts of kindness we are often shocked. As believers we understand that the world we experience today is not at all the way it should be, and sin has caused our perception of things to be tainted and broken. We see this brokenness in all aspects of our lives. Unfortunately it is often youth who suffer most from the brokenness of our world. 

Students receive input from social media, friends, teachers, the church, and their families. Most of you receive this same input but as an adult you are able to more easily discern the information you take in. As students develop they also gain the ability to clearly discern what they are hearing, but most do not perfect this until much later in life. As the brokenness of the world hits an adolescent, whether through divorce, heart break, addiction, or some other force, their response will nine times out of ten differ from yours. An adult may see divorce as the end of a love less relationship while their son or daughter may view it as more affirmation that they are unlovable. The conclusion isn't logical but that doesn't make the child wrong, it makes them misunderstood. As a church body we must care for the needs of our youth where they are at, not where we think they should be. They will mess up and make mistakes, but they will also surprise, inspire, and encourage us if we understand where they are coming from. 

I cannot become less selfish by trying harder. I can only begin to care for others more than myself by drawing closer to God. The same goes for our youth. I pray you find time in the coming months to encourage the students at Oakhill to draw closer to God as they struggle through a world filled with brokenness.

-Matt

Winning the lottery would destroy me.

Today was grueling. 

Washing, priming, painting the entrance and upstairs hallway, putting up curtains, replacing toilets, filing down end caps on counter tops, and cleaning up Christmas stuff. It was a very busy day, and I'm physically exhausted to the point that typing this I'm having to take breaks. This exhaustion comes with a sense of accomplishment though, something that I wouldn't have believed before experiencing it.

I've told Kari since I've know her that I (jokingly) feel that God is calling us to win the lottery. So we've talked numerous times about how we would spend the money, who would get what, and what we would leave for our kids. We both agreed to spend money only on necessities and give the majority of it away to friends to pay off debt, family members and charities we think deserve it more than we do. All well and good I realize but I think this line of thought leads us to a negative place.

If I never had to work for anything or struggle to achieve a goal I would end up an entitled jerk. I've seen it happen multiple times on my birthday. I never deserved presents, not at any point during my life(neither did you by the way). In fact there were years where I probably should have given presents to my parents for putting up with me. I would get a new Lego set and immediately lord it over everyone I possibly could. I would run around to neighborhood friends with my newly assembled sub/castle/star ship/moon-rover-with-attached-landing-pod-and-moon-rock-grabbing-claw and make them as jealous as possible since I was the only one on our street with such awesome stuff and they were beneath my status as "Lego Lord". 


I wonder what would become of me if I won 500 million dollars.


My guess is that I would spend it all and end up destitute like the majority of lottery winners. 

Culturally though I think my birthday example is happening quite a bit today. I have students at Church and Young Life who believe the world owes them something good. That they should receive the same sort of treatment that someone who wins the lottery receives. That regardless of their grades, their achievements, their skills or abilities they should receive the same shot as everyone else. 

Unfortunately that is just not the case and leads to what I'm calling an "if only" culture. 

"If only" I won the lottery
"If only" I got good grades
"If only" that girl/guy liked me
"If only" my parents were still together
"If only" I looked like her/him

This is a dream world. 

It's a dream world that leads to depression, bitterness, suicide, anger, and immense pain. 

The main problem with "if only" culture is that it never ends. There is always going to be something else that will sneak up and become a new fascination, a new "if only". What happens if I DO somehow end up looking like Hugh Jackman with my shirt off? What will replace that hole I was trying to fill? Money? Women? Status? It's this endless spiral of needing more and more and more to compensate for the actual hole that is burning inside of us. This search for things to fill us is only fueled by media like Pintrest, Facebook, and Twitter. 

Let's take Pintrest for example. People make boards simply to add items they one day maybe hopefully if they get lucky will own/make/dress like. There is this immense danger inherent in the creation of Pintrest. It create a fantasy world for people to invest in, which they most likely won't fulfill.

If you look at perfection every day but never see it in yourself you're missing the greatest truth the world has to offer. Don't. miss. it. 

Genesis 1:27 "So God created mankind in his own image,

    in the image of God he created them;

    male and female he created them."

Genesis 1:31 "God saw all that he had made, and it was very good"

So what?

What can you do? What can you as a teenager/parent/young professional do to combat "if only" culture? 

Be yourself - put down your phone, the controller, your tv remote and have a conversation with the people around you. Ask hard questions and don't accept the standard "good, fine, ok" answers. Encourage often, love well, wake up early, take walks, invite friends over, laugh, remember you are part of a community of people - you are not alone!


And if all else fails, shake it out.

Take it All

Recently Kari and I were sitting at home scrolling through the different television shows on Hulu Plus. Since we don't really have cable this is our means of interacting with shows people watch on a regular basis. The only difference is that we often view the shows a year or more after they go on the air, oops. While scrolling Kari stopped on a television show called "Take it All" and expressed she had seen a small portion of the show previously and it might be entertaining, so we put it on. An hour later I found myself in such emotional and physical anguish I wanted nothing to do with television ever again.

The premise of "Take it All" is very simple. You pick random prizes from a screen, they are revealed and have an unknown value, and the person at the end of each round with the lowest costing item is eliminated. It becomes less simple when you learn you can steal your fellow contestants prizes and force them to take a random prize from the "dream screen".

So Kari and I watched this process go on until only two contestants were left. At this point the contestants enter into the "Prize Fight". They are presented with two options in front of them, either "Take it All" or "Split It". The catch is that if both contestants pick "Take it All" they both get nothing, if only one of them picks "Take it All" that person takes everything, and if they both hit "Split It" they retain their own items accumulated during the game.

In the episode we watched a man who spent time volunteering to be a mall Santa lost to a woman who claimed she needed books for her classroom. The $420,000 she won will buy her a lot of books for sure, but I have a feeling the $300,000 she would have won if she selected "Split It" would have bought quite a few books as well.

I was devastated. My heart simply could not take the blow of what occurred or the realization of what the show was actually all about. Kari and I were entertained by other peoples pain and misfortune. I was offended beyond words and spent the better part of the day reeling from this woman's decision to take everything from someone else.

The last couple of days while I've been trying to process how something like this could be entertainment I've been bombarded with other examples of the same thing. Shows like Funniest Home Videos, Big Brother, Survivor, Design Star, Amazing Race, and American Idol are based upon watching people fail or lose some contest. Most of the time I've seen these shows the people who lose rush off in tears to be consoled by friends or family because they're in such pain. Series like CSI, Law and Order, Chicago Code, The Wire, and Dexter bring fictional stories to life but are centered upon the death of a person or persons.

What is our fascination with these types shows and why are we as a society drawn into them?

As believers we are called to be agents of restoration in our world. I wonder what our response to television should be. I can't wrap my brain around this whole thing. I've been sitting here frustrated and angry that I've allowed myself to be sucked into something so detrimental to my own well being. I'm numb to so much of this stuff I've had to think and rethink everything I watch.

How can I engage a culture that so quickly snares and pulls at me?

I'm left hoping the pain doesn't go away, that I'm still as shocked and dismayed about seeing entertainment at others misfortune a year from now as I am this moment.


I just don't get it.

I'm going to need some help.

Losing God

So I've taken a break from writing and I've regretted it. Normally I'm a verbal processor, but I've found expressing my thoughts here has been useful. It has been even more useful since I can't sleep and Kari gets upset when I wake her up talking to myself or our dog. So we will see how long I can keep from having late night conversations with Lola(my dog) by doing this. 

Two to three weeks ago I read a book called Losing God. I really struggled reading this book because it brought back some very difficult memories. The author(Matt Rogers) was a pastor who dealt with depression and a crisis of faith that left him feeling isolated and broken. Much of the book is very dark because according to him it was dark, so why write about it any different? He discusses how he felt he couldn't express the crisis of faith to his friends or family because they were believers and would look upon him negatively. Much of his struggle was internal, and much of it was mental. I identified with his thoughts on how fellow Christian's handle issues of faith poorly. While struggling with depression and faith I wound up telling no one because it was easier than the alternative, and would result in less people thinking I was a failure or idiot for not believing the way I should.

I believe that the church has struggled with this for a long time, and continues to struggle with it. I have a family member that has struggled with self-harm. I've struggled with depressive thoughts related to self-harm. The church has not been an avenue for healing through either of our situations. I think this is because the church doesn't know how to respond to it. We tell people to "choose joy", we read them scripture, and tell them to hope in God. Now before you get upset at me please understand that I believe all three of the things mentioned above are wonderful, but they need to be used in a way that is helpful and not as simple default answers. 

One of the greatest women I have ever met was a professor of mine at Kuyper College - Jessica Maddox. Professor Maddox was incredibly intelligent and she loved God in a way that was evident every time she taught. She came into class two days after miscarrying and taught our class about how we interpret the Bible. Before she started her lesson however she stood before us with tears in her eyes and expressed that she was in mourning. She explained that she would be sad and struggling to get through the day for some time, and that was ok. It was necessary for her to move forward. 

What do you think would have happened if in that moment I had stood up and told her that it wasn't ok for her to be struggling, and that she should 'trade her sorrow for joy' because her dead baby was maybe, possibly, hopefully in heaven? I hope someone would have told me to shut up or hit me really hard - but that is how I believe the normal response from the church looks. 

I believe that as creations made in the image of God we were made to love like him. Yes sin has tainted us, but we still have the capacity to love. That love of God's creation causes us to feel strong emotions about important people in our lives. We need to realize that we are living into our calling as believers when we take the time to mourn the passing of a loved one while at some point celebrating their new life in heaven if they were believers. It is not weakness to cry when we experience loss, it's loving the way God created us to love.

^^ Give me a listen while you're reading ^^

Jewish culture understands this need to mourn. They practice something called "sitting shiva", or "sitting seven". When a member of a family passes away the remaining members take seven days to mourn and allow the loss of the individual to impact them. Their friends and family come over not to encourage or uplift but to simply sit in the sadness with the family. 

How amazing. Do you realize what that does? It removes your agenda. It tells people that you are there for them and not for yourself. You are there to simply love them through their pain. What greater witness to the truth of the Gospel than giving up your desires to love someone where they're at.

When Lazarus is dying Jesus is called to go heal him. By the time that Jesus gets there however Lazarus has already passed away and Jesus comes into a home where everyone is mourning and crying. He could have walked up to the home and simply raised His friend from the dead. He totally could have done that, after all He knew the ending to that story, and He could have just gotten to the part where He was glorified. But what does the Son of God do?! He cries, He mourns, He sits in their sadness and empathizes with a hurting people. I don't know about you, but I read that section of scripture and it gives me chills. Jesus was sitting shiva with his friends and gave them time to process the passing before he took any action.

What a savior.

May you find the courage today to speak less and love more knowing that by sitting in someone's sadness you are ministering to them far more than your words ever could. May we as the church love more deeply and completely knowing that God is glorified in our strength but more so in our weakness.

The Pursuit of "Success"

Last year I took a job as a Youth Pastor/Young Life Church Partner. I took this job because for as long as I can remember I've loved people. I've loved being around anyone that was interested in being alive. So I took this job working with a section of our population that many in our society ignore, use, manipulate, and abuse. I believe that spending time with them will allow some of the love that Christ has given me to spread to them. Sometimes I feel like I'm a great example of who Christ is or who he wanted me to be. Other days I find myself struggling to wake up in the morning because there is simply too much stuff weighing me down. Their problems, my problems, family, relationship, financial, spiritual, and church problems. Regardless of these days I've been blessed to be paid to minister to people. To spend my time interacting in community with God's people. There is an overwhelming sense of gratitude in my soul about the opportunity I've been given.

In the midst of this gratitude, I find myself wondering what it means to be successful at my job. Ministry is different than most fields in terms of success. If I were an accountant I could express the amount of accounts I'd audited, created, closed, etc. As a doctor you can tell someone how many people you examined, how many diseases you diagnosed, or lives you saved. With a youth ministry however the same doesn't always apply. I could tell you 30 or 3 kids came to our last event, but that doesn't necessarily mean the event with 30 kids was more successful than one with 3. I think this is because "success" in youth ministry is less visible, and at times, invisible. It's less visible in that it is difficult to quantify to someone that doesn't know what I do how I'm doing. It can be invisible when there are days, weeks, months, or even years where I won't see any change/growth/fruit.

So, if someone asked me if I was a successful Youth Pastor, what would I say?

Honestly? Maybe. I hope so. I believe so.

That sounds odd to me when I re-read it, but I think its the truth. I plan a ministry, programming, events, contact work, everything, with the belief that God will take my actions and turn them into something that honors him. I believe success in Youth Ministry is not expressed in numbers, calendars, thumbs up, or youth group kids crying during worship time. These things are most certainly a part of a successful ministry, but you can have one or all of the things I've just mentioned and not be successful. 

Every morning when I wake up, on the good days or the bad days, success to me is doing everything I possibly can to further the kingdom of God. Sometimes that's planning a fundraiser, other times it is hanging out at a football game with kids building relationships, and still other times it is sitting by myself being alone with the God who created me. 

Success is what pleases God, not what pleases me or others. 

Success is being willing to look stupid so that Christ is glorified.

Success is loving despite that love not being returned.

Success is giving everything I have every day in the hopes that one individual is pointed to Christ.

I pray that when I sit in front of my maker at the gates to Heaven he looks at me and says that I was successful with the things he appointed me to do. 

Is there anything else that even matter?

Just get it out

I've been sitting in front of a blank page for a while now. Trying to figure out how to say the things that are making it difficult to sleep at night. I've decided I just need to get them out - and once they're out I'll figure out how to organize them and maybe make more sense of them after that point. No editing, no going back - just my thoughts.

So here we go:

-The mystery of God has been an all consuming thought to me lately. I've been reading Ezekiel and seeing how God is so far separated from us and yet so personal. It's not something I understand. It's not something I feel like I express well, but its something that I love. I've been thinking that I'm glad I don't understand everything about God. If I knew everything, I'd get bored of him. If I could comprehend his actions, thoughts, being, I would find myself to be equal or better than him, and in that find utter failure and pain. I'm too arrogant and proud to view a finite God and find peace in that.

-I haven't been sleeping, and I feel like its because my soul isn't at ease. Call it anxiety, call it God speaking through my physical being, call it whatever you want - I can't sleep and I think its related to God. I've been sitting around thinking about Young Life and Church and seeing that my passion is not enough to change students. It's not enough to convince people that God is good, he loves them, and he wants to be in relationship with them. I keep thinking that if I could remove my heart from my chest and just show people whats going on it would make more sense than any words I type or sunday school classes I teach or Young Life talks I give. But I can't make you love God! I can't make ME love God. God give me peace with that! 

-I want to be Don Miller. I read his books and I literally find myself yearning to produce words and thoughts that are as transforming as his. I've been particularly stuck on a part of Searching for God Knows What where he says "All this makes me wonder what God must have felt, arriving on the scene just after the Fall, knowing all He had made was ruined, and understanding at once the sacrifice that would be required to win the hearts of His children from the grasp of their seducer. I see Him in my mind walking the paths, calling to the couple, meeting their eyes for the first time, and Adam and Eve shaking in absolute terror, wondering what had happened, confused at the broken promise of a snake, feeling at once the trustworthiness of their first love and wondering if God would ever love them again, feeling the hot breath of His anger and emotion, hearing Him speak for the first time, not as a friend, but as One who had been betrayed. "Who told you that you were naked?"'

That KILLS me. I literally cry every time I read it. I can't stop the tears. I see God experiencing this human moment of betrayal and sadness and it hurts me so much. And after I'm done reducing my tissue boxes significantly I realize that I do the SAME CRAP every day. I recreate that moment for God on a daily basis. He groans at my self serving, self righteous actions. So now I've gone from thinking Don's a great writer to understanding that Don has caused this intense pain in my walk with God that stirs within me every time I read his works.

-A student from Eastern died Saturday, his name was/is Nate Hurwitz. I've been reading facebook posts for the last couple hours about how people will miss him at school, how he was an inspiration, and how he constantly smiled regardless of his physical limitations. We told Young Life kids today that if anyone wanted to talk about the loss to pull us aside and let us know what was going on with them. I've got a pit in my stomach about it. I'm afraid that no one will take us up on the offer. Not because they don't care, but because they don't know how to care. 

Grieving isn't something Christian's do well, and it's not something high school students do well either. As a culture we tell people to remember our fallen heroes, but it's done for 10 minutes on TV and most people check their text messages when its going on. In terms of our ability to grieve and heal(both ourselves and others) we often just ignore the problem and create busy work/space to keep our minds off it.  Over time we forget, but we don't handle that grief how we should. We don't lay it before God and ask him to heal the parts of our heart that won't heal without him. I have a history of losing my friends, and most of them I haven't actually dealt with, I've just forgotten. The problem with forgetting is that you can't look at positive moments and view them as positive. You take all of your experiences with the person and view them as harmful because you can't see past the first stage of loss. 

-High school boys are stupid. Girl's shouldn't date them. Ego.

-High School girls are stupid. Boys shouldn't date them. Leggings.

-I pray that God takes these words and makes them something more. I don't know if I truly understand what I want when I say that, but I do want something more. I want something to be different/better/easier/more full of peace tomorrow because of this and the things I do in response to my words. I'm back to feeling like I need to do a massive stretch but all the time. Like everything in me wants to get out. 

Hopefully I can stretch tomorrow, and tonight I can head to bed. 

The Kingdom of Heaven

The Kingdom of Heaven is for...

The hypocrites.

The drug dealers.

The sex aholics.

The used.

The murderer.

The users.

The lost.

The degenerates. 

The pornographer.

The abuser.

The abused.

The abortion bound.

The alcoholic.

The 1 and the 99%

The popular.

The cutter.

The all star.

The no stars.

I've become so frustrated with the idea that to be a Christian is to be perfect. That when you accept Jesus you suddenly become a person who follows all the commands of God without stumbling. The only perfect person to walk this earth has come, gone, and has not yet returned. I am, or have been, many of the things on the list above, but it should not and will not disqualify me or anyone else from the Kingdom of Heaven. To make fun of someone for "failing" in their Christian walk is like telling a baby to not poop itself, and then when it does to spank it. The baby has to learn and develop a habit of not soiling itself. In the same way, we must learn to grow in our faith with the hope that we sin less - knowing that we cannot stop our hearts completely from turning from God. 

I feel physical pain thinking there are people in the world who believe that their choices in life have disqualified them from experiencing the bliss that will be/is Heaven. I feel even worse when I realize that the Church is often the one telling people they are disqualified. 

I am a hypocrite. I say with my mouth that I love God and want to follow his commands, and then moments later I turn my back on him and seek the desires of my heart. I'm not proud of being a hypocrite, but it is a reality of my walk with Christ, and if we're honest with ourselves, its a reality in every Christian's walk. Don't glory in your sin, but don't allow sin to remove the joy you experience from being in relationship with Christ.

Should you go out and party after Youth Group? Probably not.

Should you have sex outside of marriage? No.

Should you do drugs with your friends? Nope.

Will you be excluded from the Kingdom of God because you've done those things? Not. A. Chance. 

You are loved by a God who gave the ultimate sacrifice to inherit the most unfaithful people. 

May you revel in that love today, and may it affect how you live.